Returning to the Fulness (Part 1)

     The following posts are going to come as a shock to most.  I promise, I am not looking for the shock factor.  I am a member and attend services at the LDS church.  I have my whole life.  I have given and sacrificed under the guise that as long as I serve, am baptized, receive the holy ghost, receive my endowments, get married in the temple and endure to the end that I will inherit the Celestial Kingdom.  This is a farce and anyone that tells you otherwise, is either misled themselves or has the intention to mislead.  In this and  future posts, I intend to show why we cannot be satisfied with this understanding. The scriptures along with teachings from Joseph Smith, and Lectures on Faith, help to increase our understanding as to what the true plan of happiness is.  This church was given to the gentiles. This is a gentile church. We are to be nursing fathers and mothers to the remnant(2 Nephi 5-7) 3 Nephi 16:10  10 And thus commandeth the Father that I should say unto you: At that day when the Gentiles shall sin against my gospel, and shall reject the fulness of my gospel, and shall be lifted up in the pride of their hearts above all nations, and above all the people of the whole earth, and shall be filled with all manner of lyings, and of deceits, and of mischiefs, and all manner of hypocrisy, and murders, and priestcrafts, and whoredoms, and of secret abominations; and if they shall do all those things, and shall reject the fulness of my gospel, behold, saith the Father, I will bring the fulness of my gospel from among them.  The gentiles will reject the fullness of the Gospel.  What is the fulness of the gospel?  What are the Gentiles rejecting?  We as a church have had the fulness of the gospel, through Joseph Smith.  We have cast away many of the beautiful things he taught and gave through the power of God.  He taught the fulness of the gospel, which was to go forth to the remnant of Israel.  We have abandoned this goal, we have abandoned the remnant, we have abandoned the teachings of God. 3 Nephi 16:13-14 13 But if the Gentiles will repent and return unto me, saith the Father, behold they shall be numbered among my people, O house of Israel.

 14 And I will not suffer my people, who are of the house of Israel, to go through among them, and tread them down, saith the Father.  Let us learn what the fulness of the gospel is.  It has been taught through Joseph and it has been taught through the scriptures.  This is the message that God has for me to share and I pray that as I write, His spirit will be with me, that I may speak with the tongue of angels and that the spirit will manifest the truth of it unto all who read this.  We must go back to the basic doctrine of Christ.  Get rid of the traditions of men that are mingled with these teachings, if we are to bring it forth in its purity to the remnant. 

     I start with baptism and the receiving of the Holy Ghost.  This doctrine is plain and simple. 2 Nephi 31:2-5  2 Wherefore, the things which I have written sufficeth me, save it be a few words which I must speak concerning the doctrine of Christ; wherefore, I shall speak unto you plainly, according to the plainness of my prophesying.

3 For my soul delighteth in plainness; for after this manner doth the Lord God work among the children of men. For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding.

4 Wherefore, I would that ye should remember that I have spoken unto you concerning that prophet which the Lord showed unto me, that should baptize the Lamb of God, which should take away the sins of the world.

5 And now, if the Lamb of God, he being holy, should have need to be baptized by water, to fulfil all righteousness, O then, how much more need have we, being unholy, to be baptized, yea, even by water!  
Baptism is the first step in coming unto Christ, but it is not complete until we receive the Holy Ghost and the baptism of Fire. 2 Nephi 31:11-14  11 And the Father said: Repent ye, repent ye, and be baptized in the name of my Beloved Son. 12 And also, the voice of the Son came unto me, saying: He that is baptized in my name, to him will the Father give the Holy Ghost, like unto me; wherefore, follow me, and do the things which ye have seen me do.

 13 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I know that if ye shall follow the Son, with full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God, but with real intent, repenting of your sins, witnessing unto the Father that ye are willing to take upon you the name of Christ, by baptism—yea, by following your Lord and your Savior down into the water, according to his word, behold, then shall ye receive the Holy Ghost; yea, then cometh the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost; and then can ye speak with the tongue of angels, and shout praises unto the Holy One of Israel.

 14 But, behold, my beloved brethren, thus came the voice of the Son unto me, saying: After ye have repented of your sins, and witnessed unto the Father that ye are willing to keep my commandments, by the baptism of water, and have received the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost, and can speak with a new tongue, yea, even with the tongue of angels, and after this should deny me, it would have been better for you that ye had not known me. 

Notice in verse 12 Christ is telling Nephi that the Father will give the Holy Ghost.  In the church we are led to believe that we must have priesthood holders, place their hands on our heads and say "Receive the Holy Ghost."  This is false. Our Father in Heaven has blessed us to receive this if we are righteous and follow our Savior Jesus Christ. Christ received it without the laying on of hands, and so can we. For some it happens right after baptism, like with Christ, for others it takes time maybe even years.  2 Nephi 31:17-18 17 Wherefore, do the things which I have told you I have seen that your Lord and your Redeemer should do; for, for this cause have they been shown unto me, that ye might know the gate by which ye should enter. For the gate by which ye should enter is repentance and baptism by water; and then cometh a remission of your sins by fire and by the Holy Ghost.
18 And then are ye in this strait and narrow path which leads to eternal life; yea, ye have entered in by the gate; ye have done according to the commandments of the Father and the Son; and ye have received the Holy Ghost, which witnesses of the Father and the Son, unto the fulfilling of the promise which he hath made, that if ye entered in by the way ye should receive.  If we have not received the baptism of fire, we still have yet to be on the path.  We need to ask ourselves,  "Can I speak with the tongue of angels?"  If we have not received the Holy Ghost as our constant companion and cannot  speak with the tongue of angels we have not received a remission of our sins. The teachings of the church do a disservice to us as we continually seek to come to Christ. Mormon 9:23-25 23 And he that believeth and is baptized shall be saved, but he that believeth not shall be damned;  24 And these signs shall follow them that believe—in my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; they shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick and they shall recover;
25 And whosoever shall believe in my name, doubting nothing, unto him will I confirm all my words, even unto the ends of the earth.  Isn't this beautiful? The promises we receive for entering in by the way are great and beautiful. We are being held back from this, because in our Sunday lessons concerning baptism and the holy ghost, we are not taught any of these things. We are so far removed from just the plain doctrine of Christ that it is difficult for us to overcome unless through a miracle we are taught and led by God to see and open our eyes and our hearts.   2 Nephi 32:5-6 5 For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do.
6 Behold, this is the doctrine of Christ, and there will be no more doctrine given until after he shall manifest himself unto you in the flesh. And when he shall manifest himself unto you in the flesh, the things which he shall say unto you shall ye observe to do.

    I love the gospel, I love truth.  I have experienced and learned so much in the last few years that I cannot negate the power of God in my life. It is beautiful to learn that there is so much more and what our Father in Heaven wants us to receive, which is, all that he has.  John 17

     

 

Charity, or The Pure Love of Christ vs. Fear

We are told that perfect love casteth out all fear. (1 John 4:18).  There are two forces at work in our lives. The first, love. Love comes from our Father in Heaven. He loved us, and in His love for us, He sent His son to attone for our sins, that His purposes in us might be fulfilled, which is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. The greatest exemplar of this pure love, on this earth has been our Savior Jesus Christ, who not only wanted to do the will of His father, because He loved Him, but because He loved us. As natural men on this earth, we feel often times entitled to be loved, or in other words many of our actions are in hopes of having it returned to us. We can never hope to repay our Savior or our Father in Heaven for all that we have, which they knew and understood, yet they have and continue to give without expecting anything in return. The greatest example of this to me, was reading the intercessory prayer. John 17. I recommend everyone read this to feel Christ's love for all of us, but the verse that has always stuck out to me has been verse 26. He says: And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them.
Christ wants us, sinners, beggars, weakness filled mortals, natural men and women, full of carnal desires and passions, idol worshippers, liars, deceivers, and all manner of other sins,  to feel the love that He, the only begotten of the father, He who hath no sin, received from His father. He wants us all to be joint heirs with Him. We have done nothing to deserve to receive all this and will never be able to do enough, yet this is what He wants for us. It is beautiful!

Now the second force at work in our lives is fear. Satan is the author of fear. He is a liar and will tell us anything that keeps us from feeling the love that Heavenly Father has for us. He will tell us things that bring fear into our lives. Fear creates: pride, anger, jealousies, anxiety, depression, impatience, greed, chaos and confusion. These things keep us from feeling loved and from loving others. This is what has created the wars in the world. This is also what stops us from being in the presence of our Savior Jesus Christ.

We have got to start looking at the motives for what we do, within our hearts. When I watch my children to keep them from getting hurt, is it out of fear? Do I stop my children from progressing and moving forward, because I am afraid of the choices they will make? Can I allow others, whom I love to make mistakes, even when I feel they may be wrong? Can I trust in the Lord's love for me, as well as my friends and family, to do His work with them? I am not advocating that we not watch our children to know what they are doing or where they are at. I am not advocating that we don't share our feelings with our friends and families, but we can only do so much, before we move into control, manipulation, compulsion, and anger with those we love. When someone says, if you would only listen to me, you would be much happier, it is false. They are moving in fear and manipulation. When a man says stay with the brethren and you won't be led astray, you can guarantee that you already are. Any man or woman who says to just do what they say, without question, should be mistrusted with their intentions.

There is only one we can trust, only one who can lead us perfectly. That is Christ.

I am starting to see how fear is moving me every day. Recognizing, beyond my own normal panic and anxiety how fear plays a role in my life. Tonight, I bought a drink at the store. I had my kids with me, so I shared with them. I took two sips and passed it around. I had six kids with me so, I started getting nervous that I wouldn't have anymore, since usually my kids end up finishing anything before I get any. I asked them to pass it to me. I started guzzling it down. I told my husband that if I didn't drink it right then and there that I wouldn't get any, and he said, "so you're moving in fear?" I was so shocked that something so insignificant could create even the smallest amount of fear and therefore, in guzzling the drink I didn't get to enjoy it. So I asked my husband, " Okay, so we are aware that I moved in fear, so how do I change that thinking?" He said, "Gratitude, be thankful for what you do have." So basically, be grateful that I had the opportunity to have at least two sips and that my children were able to share with me, and that they would have been able to learn to share with each other and learn to be thankful for what they had. This breeds love. Love for each other, love for our Father in Heaven, and love for our Savior Jesus Christ. I have realized in just my experience tonight, just how fear affects and permeates itself into everything we think and do. It is definitely worth taking a double look into the choices we make. Without charity, we are nothing. We can attain all the promises of heaven, but without love for God, ourselves, or our neighbors, we are nothing, they mean nothing.

Love or fear, these are our choices. What will we choose. We are coming into a time where fear will come upon every man, if it is not already. Will we choose to have courage, faith and trust in the Lord to provide, protect, and bring peace to our hearts, or will we go out and try to take it by force? I choose courage and faith. Let's learn this while things are easy, so that when things are hard, it will be easier to achieve. I am so grateful that God gave me these insights to share. I have come to see just how deep my unbelief goes. I pray that I can cast it off, that I may regain His presence. Much love to all. Thank you for allowing me to share.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13; Moroni 7

Where are we going?

      When Joseph restored the church, through the power of God, he was given a revelation as to the organization of the church.
(D&C 20) Joseph was also given the doctrine of the church.  Repentance, Baptism,  Receiving the Holy Ghost and sacrament.  This is the same that was given to Nephi, in chapters 31 and 32. As Nephi ends his speaking he states 32:6 Behold, this is the doctrine of Christ, and there will be no more doctrine given until after he shall manifest himself unto you in the flesh. And when he shall manifest himself unto you in the flesh, the things which he shall say unto you shall ye observe to do.

       In section 21 of Doctrine and Covenants in verses 4-9
4 Wherefore, meaning the church, thou shalt give heed unto all his words and commandments which he shall give unto you as he receiveth them, walking in all holiness before me;
5 For his word ye shall receive, as if from mine own mouth, in all patience and faith.
6 For by doing these things the gates of hell shall not prevail against you; yea, and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good, and his name’s glory.
7 For thus saith the Lord God: Him have I inspired to move the cause of Zion in mighty power for good, and his diligence I know, and his prayers I have heard.
8 Yea, his weeping for Zion I have seen, and I will cause that he shall mourn for her no longer; for his days of rejoicing are come unto the remission of his sins, and the manifestations of my blessings upon his works.
9 For, behold, I will bless all those who labor in my vineyard with a mighty blessing, and they shall believe on his words, which are given him through me by the Comforter, which manifesteth that Jesus was crucified by sinful men for the sins of the world, yea, for the remission of sins unto the contrite heart.

        Many in the church have taken this to mean every president of the church from the time Joseph died.  This is a false belief created by traditions of men.  God is speaking directly to the church, concerning Joseph. As far as I am concerned there has been no such revelation, since Joseph. I will let you readers, be the judges of that. Study it out in your mind and in your heart, then ask God. Go to Him.

        Here is something Joseph taught that I have yet to hear in the church.  It correlates with 2 Nephi 32.
  "The other Comforter spoken of is a subject of great interest, and perhaps understood by few of this generation. After a person has faith in Christ, repents of his sins, and is baptized for the remission of his sins and receives the Holy Ghost, (by the laying on of hands), which is the first Comforter, then let him continue to humble himself before God, hungering and thirsting after righteousness, and living by every word of God, and the Lord will soon say unto him, Son, thou shalt be exalted. When the Lord has thoroughly proved him, and finds that the man is determined to serve Him at all hazards, then the man will find his calling and his election made sure, then it will be his privilege to receive the other Comforter, which the Lord hath promised the Saints, as is recorded in the testimony of St. John, in the 14th chapter, from the 12th to the 27th verses.

 John 14:16-18
    16 And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;

 17 Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

 18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
 19 Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.

 20 At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you.

 21 He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

 22 Judas saith unto him, not Iscariot, Lord, how is it that thou wilt manifest thyself unto us, and not unto the world?

 23 Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.

24 He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings: and the word which ye hear is not mine, but the Father’s which sent me.

 25 These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you.

 26 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

 27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

 Now what is this other Comforter? It is no more nor less than the Lord Jesus Christ Himself; and this is the sum and substance of the whole matter; that when any man obtains this last Comforter, he will have the personage of Jesus Christ to attend him, or appear unto him from time to time, and even He will manifest the Father unto him, and they will take up their abode with him, and the visions of the heavens will be opened unto him, and the Lord will teach him face to face, and he may have a perfect knowledge of the mysteries of the Kingdom of God; and this is the state and place the ancient Saints arrived at when they had such glorious visions--Isaiah, Ezekiel, John upon the Isle of Patmos, St. Paul in the three heavens, and all the Saints who held communion with the general assembly and Church of the Firstborn." ( TPJS page 150)

      Can we not see? "and this is the state and place the ancient Saints arrived at when they had such glorious visions--Isaiah, Ezekiel, John upon the Isle of Patmos, St. Paul in the three heavens, and all the Saints who held communion with the general assembly and Church of the Firstborn."  We want to be members of the church of the Firstborn, we want to hold communion with the general assembly, so why are we not learning m how to do this?  Why are we being told that these h things only happen to prophets? If God is no respecter of persons, then why are we being taught this?  Joseph Smith said,  concerning God being a respecter of persons, "23 But it is also necessary that men should have an idea that he is no respecter of persons; for with the idea of all the other excellencies in his character, and this one wanting, men could not exercise faith in him, because if he were a respecter of persons, they could not tell what their privileges were, nor how far they were authorized to exercise faith in him, or whether they were authorized to do it at all, but all must be confusion; but no sooner are the minds of men made acquainted with the truth on this point, that he is no respector of persons, than they see that they have au-thority by faith to lay hold on eternal life the richest boon of heaven, because God is no respecter of persons, and that every man in every nation has an equal privilege."Lectures on Faith Lecture 3:23

      God has provided a way for us to sit with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Will we heed His words? Will we seek after Him until we receive Him. What are the desires of our hearts? If He gives us the desires of our hearts, then why not set our hearts on Him and receiving  His presence? We all have the same privelege. 

       I am not the first to share this, nor will I be the last. I am not perfect in writing and I pray that my words will be understood and the intents of my heart seen. I have no malice to the church, we only need open our eyes, awake and arise. He is waiting, will we hearken? Joseph was trying to build Zion. His desires were for Zion and all he taught was for Zion. Will we build it, will we be a part of it? Now is the time. Let us wait no longer. Let us prepare a place of God, a people of God. In humility to my Savior and with a desire to do His will. Amen


Some scriptures of interest:  D&C 132:21-24; D&C 107:18-19; 1 Nephi 10:11; Ether 12:30-31; Moroni 10:4-8; D&C 5:16; D&C 107:21-22; D&C 107:65; D&C 107:81-84; Daniel 11; Ezekiel 13; 1 Kings 13

Thoughts on struggles and heartaches

          I have some great neighbors.  I live 30 min. from town and I have about 4 neighbors. They are all retired, hard working and kind people.  They go out of their way to make sure that we are okay and have offered to help in more than one way.  One of the things I usually hear them say when they are offering to help in some way is, "We know, we've been there."  They are people who usually have forged through life, trying t o make ends meet, sacrificing to make a better world for themselves and their posterity.  Yet, now having had some kind of success, do not look down on those around them, but understand the definition of hard work and struggle.  I value these neighbors of mine greatly.  I do not feel judged by them, just encouraged and enlightened.  So what does it take for us to be like these wonderful people?

      I have lived in cities both in the United States and Mexico.  I have experienced very different kinds of people in these very different communities.  There are many wonderful and beautiful people in the world.  Everybody struggles, everybody has trials.  I don't care who you are, we are all struggling at some point or another.  So what makes us different?  It is the way we look at the struggle.  Do we see it as a help or a hindrance?  I have heard people say that sometimes, when God destroys He is creating.  What gives our trials and heartaches the ability to become tools to create?  Faith!  Faith that even though something doesn't work out, it isn't the end.  Faith that there is someone out there rooting for us, who wants to see us succeed.  Faith in the strength that God gives us to get back up and try again.  Faith that God is creating something out of our trial. 

     I must say that I understand the concept, but to get it imbedded in my heart is a completely different story.  I have struggled with anxiety for a very long time.  I didn't used to be this way.  When I was a little girl I had so much trust and faith in who I was and why I was here and that God sent me here for a purpose, to welcome Him when He returned again.  I was excited and even though I knew that 3 days of darkness were coming(little girl understanding) I wasn't scared.  As I got a little older I understood more the things that would precede the second coming of Christ, but I didn't care, I wanted to see Him and be held by Him, just like all the little kids in the Book of Mormon, that fear just escaped me.  Well I grew older and had more experiences.  Life in this world taught me that nobody is special unless you do something special.  That God only talks to those who have high callings.  That God doesn't speak to people who sin or make mistakes and that in order to feel even His spirit, after a person committed a sin, that they would have to suffer and feel guilt and shame over their mistake or God would not see that they had repented enough.  Life came after my innocence with a vengeance.  My thoughts over time became this wave of negativity.  I saw every dark and evil thing in my life.  I no longer saw miracles, I only saw pain.  Even though I have continued to try to change my thoughts, I can never go back to that innocence.  I lost my faith.  I lost the faith that God was doing something with my life.  That I could trust Him in everything, because I knew He loved me. 

     I am in my own personal struggle at this time.  I don't know how to overcome it at this time, but I try every single day to continue to come closer to Christ.  Despite the lack of faith I continue to seek after Him, because even though my heart may be scrambled from life, I know in my head that God is the answer.  That Christ is the answer.  I have learned that we all struggle.  We all need each other to pull for each other and cheer for each other.  Because I know my struggle, I cannot judge another who struggles.  I hope that if you are struggling at this time, that you have someone in your life that you can talk to, to encourage and cheer for you. If you don't, please send me a message, I will be on your cheer team.  Maybe we can help remind each other, that God is there and to keep seeking after HIM. He is the healing balm, He will help carry the yolk and He will get us safely home.  Then one day when we see someone in need of help, we can look at them and say, "Let me help you, I have been there, I know the struggle."

Where am I going with all of this?

    Yesterday, I did something that was so scary for me.  I put a large part of my heart out there for people to see.  I feel free!! Where am I going with this though? I have sought for truth wherever I could find it.  More in the last 10 years than any other time. I think that as children, truth comes so easily and quickly, but we see as children.

 1 Corinthians 13:9-13
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

       There came a point where I realized that my belief system was based off of what I was told growing up and not a personal testimony of my own.  I got to the point where I didn't just want to believe, I wanted to know. I had so many questions and my experiences did not line up with things that I had learned growing up. I wanted to know why. Why was I told not to talk to drunks, or give money to the poor, or that a person who sinned had to suffer immense pain and sorrow, when Christ did all of those things for me. In many ways, I am the drunk, the poor, and the sinner. I want Christ to come to me. I want to receive Him, like the leper did, I want to have the faith to touch His robe and be healed, I want to accept the sacrifice that He made for my soul and in humility repent and come to Him, not in guilt, shame, or sadness, but with love and gratitude, knowing that He loves me and has done so much for me. I was tired of believing that only a prophet could have these things. I knew that God was no respecter of persons, but why when I would bring up my own desires, would people tell me, it isn't possible.  Christ doesn't come to people like us. People like us?  We are God's creations, we are His masterpiece, but we are not worthy to see our Savior, who saw each of us as He suffered in Gethsemmene, who suffered and bore all our sins, all our infirmities and all because He loved/loves us?  Yet we are not enough to seek His face?  If Zion is the pure in heart and the pure in heart shall see God (Matthew 5:8) (D&C 97:21) and if according to my beliefs growing up, only the prophets who have been foreordained to such a privilege, are the only ones, then do I have any hope of being in Zion?  Do I have any hope of receiving salvation?  I cannot believe that God is so exclusive, and He isn't!

Acts 10:34 34 ¶Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons:

 35 But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him

 

     This tells me that I have as much right as anyone to receive all that the Father is willing to bestow upon me, and that I have the privilege, if I seek after Him to have the mysteries unfolded to me.  Just like Adam, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and many others did.  Nothing can be held back from me, if I trust in Him and seek Him always. I have been told that if I just follow a man who does talk and communicate God's will, that I will be just fine. Independent of whatever I receive, I must cast it aside, and do only what this man has said is right, especially if it goes against what I have received.  There is a level to that, but when do you stop moving on someone else's knowledge and start moving in your own? My relationship with my Savior and my Father in heaven is my own.  It will look different for every person that has one with Him.  I cannot depend on someone else receiving revelation for me.  I cannot depend on someone else to tell me where or what I should be doing with my life.  A man who leads a church cannot and does not comprehend what I am dealing with on a personal level, therefore I must receive revelation directly from the source.  I have made choices based off of what others think and feel, many times abandoning my own personal revelation, but I have also reaped that reward.  I was no closer to my Savior, my faith had not increased and I continued to be co-dependent on others for understanding and knowledge. I am now choosing to stand in what I know to be true, for myself. 

 

      So where am I going with all of this?  I am going to my Savior and Father in Heaven.  I am seeking them with everything that I have. I am setting myself free from the box (paradigm) that I have grown up with.  I am asking questions.  I am getting answers.  I am going to be one with my Savior and Father in heaven.  That is where I am going with all of this.  Into their presence.  What if I don't come into their presence until I die? (some will ask)  Well then, they will know that I did not falter in my desire to seek after them, and they will know the deep intense love that I have for them. 

   

Coming Out!

      I am so tired of not being myself, of hiding who I really am from my family and friends.  I have chosen to write a blog to allow myself the opportunity to express my thoughts and share my heart more openly with whoever desires to know where I come from.  I am nobody special, no one that anybody should seek after or follow.  This blog is in no way supposed to give me notoriety or bring me any kind of attention.  I don't expect many to read it, but I really just needed to be free to express myself.  This to me is the best way to do that.

     To begin with, my name is Michelle Taylor.  I am the daughter of two wonderful parents.  I am the wife of an amazing husband who has taught me so much and the mother to seven very busy but sweet children.  I am grateful to be where I am today, but sometimes that is harder to say than others. 

    As a small child I remember being taught in church (I grew up Mormon) about Joseph Smith and his vision.  I love that story.  A simple, humble, boy was able to see the Savior and our Father in Heaven.  He was guided, instructed and taught according to his faith.  I so desired to have this experience for myself.  I always thought that only prophets or special people who had been foreordained to do something special and important could ever have this opportunity.  One Sunday we were reading in the scriptures and there was a verse where God stated that He was no respecter of persons, but that any who would come unto Him, would receive Him.  I felt a burning within me that this was true and that I could, one day, if I searched for Him, be able to receive Him and have the experience that so many in the scriptures have had.   I had faith in this, so strongly that I was so excited for the Second coming of Christ, I awaited for Him every day.  I wanted to see Him and when I was sad or struggled I prayed so hard that I could be in His presence and that He would hold me in His arms.  It hasn't happened yet.  Over the years I started losing my faith in God.  I had a hard time trusting that he was even there.  Even so, I wanted to be like my Savior.  I would try to love those that others wouldn't and I had a great desire to help others come to Christ, to feel the love and faith that I had.  As time went on, I graduated High School and moved out of the house.  I made mistakes that I was so sorry about all the time.  I wanted to be better.  I didn't know where to go or what to do.  I didn't necessarily want to leave where I was, but one day, I saw a picture of my life, and then a picture of the life that I had wanted.  The two did not match up and there was no hope that in my present situation that it ever would.  So I felt the need to move back home.  I had never felt it like that before, but I knew deep within me that God was talking to me, guiding me, telling me to go home, even though I had been told that God cannot speak to those who sin or that those who sin cannot hear God.   I was scared.  I did not want to deal with the consequences of my mistakes.  I prayed that God would give me strength.  Within a week of being home, I saw the man who would be my husband.  Within 5 months we were married.  He would hate me saying this, but he is a wonderful man.  He has taught me so much about having faith.  I felt so alive and full of hope, I had felt forgiven and my life was finally moving in the direction I had hoped and prayed for.  Putting two different belief systems into one marriage is a difficult thing.  We both had to come to some understanding and agreement on things.  I grew up believeing that the patriarch was the one who led the home and ultimately made all the decisions.  He didn't want that.  So we both had to feel out the spirit and find answers through prayer.  Unfortunately, I had never really been one to pray to get answers.  I knew it was important to be at the right place at the right time.  The scriptures tell us that we need to pray for that, but I didn't really know how to feel the spirit in that way.  I was scared about making the wrong choice so many times.  I had to learn that God has the power to teach us what we need to know and help us be where we need to be, even when we are so full of weaknesses. 
     
     Several years pass and we are at a point in our lives where we feel we are doing our best to follow the spirit.  We have seen miracle after miracle in our lives and we were starting to feel like things were looking up, financially.  My husband had a great job.  I was pregnant with our fourth child and had 3 little girls under the age of 4.   We moved and I went to sign the lease while my husband was at his first day at work.  As I went to sign that lease, I felt this darkness, just come into me.  I felt so unsettled.  I thought about not signing it, but we had nowhere else to go and my husband was very excited about this home.  Unfortunately, no cell phones, or I would have called him.  So I made the decision to sign.  I still get sad when I think about that situation.  I was more afraid of man than I was of God.  Needless to say, we struggled the whole time we were there and it was the hardest time of my life.  During this time, I could easily be found in a corner of the house, crying, begging, pleading for God to help me through my struggles.  My husband was working two full time jobs just to make ends meet.  One on the night shift and the other in the evening.  Sometimes the night shift job turned into 12 hours and he would have maybe 4 hours of sleep.  We were falling apart.  I started having panic attacks.  I would go to bed every night wondering if I was going to live through the night and asking God that if I were going to die, to protect my little children, until their dad could come home and take care of them.  It was a very dark time for me.  I didn't know what would happen and the panic attacks were putting a strain on our marriage.  During this time, it was a struggle to keep going to church, trying to keep up a façade about who we really were and what we were struggling with.  I craved the spirit so much in my life, but felt that I had done the unpardonable sin when I signed that lease and that I was being punished(that isn't what I believe now).  We ended up moving in with my in laws and I was so grateful to just have people around.  We ended up going through bankruptcy and we were able to finally get things under our feet again.  I prayed so hard for help during this time, as our marriage was still struggling.  I knew I needed to see a counselor, but wanted one who understood my faith and wouldn't recommend drugs as the answer.  God answered my prayer and provided someone who came right in the nick of time.   He followed to spirit to come when he did, because I was ready to call it quits.  dWe moved into a little mobile home and everything seemed to be getting better.  We were able to connect to God once again.  I still had the anxiety and panic, but I was learning more. One of the lessons we were learning at the time, through our scripture study was about the lilies and the birds how they toil not, neither do they spin, but God watches and takes care of these things. Luke 12:27-40.  Did we have the faith we needed in God.  Could we be so focused on building the Kingdom of God and trust wholly in the Lord?  For about 4 months we were prepared.  All we ever wanted to do was to be ready to help people when they needed it, but financially we were starting to get there, until Heavenly Father asked my husband to give up his job.  His well paying job.  This was a very hard decision to make, but I knew from experience that sometimes the things God asks make absolutely no sense.  We were fine for a few months and then my husband decided that it was time to get a job.  He had a few, but it never worked out for very long.  There were times when we were given large sums of money, which we used to help others who also needed the help and there were times when all we had was twenty dollars and God asked me to give it to a beautiful family and let them know that God was watching over them.  As I watched tears stream down the fathers face, not so much for the money, but because he knew God was watching over them, I knew that God was happy with the sacrifices we were making.  At the end of the year of struggle, my husband tried to get a job and we couldn't find anything.  We went into fear.  We were afraid and we had no way of knowing where we would get the money to care for our family.  We were told about a position with the employer that he originally left and felt it was time to go back.  God has blessed us for the sacrifice we made.  We have received all that we had lost and gained so much more.
       
       During all this time we were learning things that were helping our testimony grow and faith in the Father become stronger.  The things that we both had wanted (to walk with Christ) had come to the forefront of our minds again.  We had this goal and this hope.  We learned that we cannot look to men for guidance, that ultimately it is our personal relationship with God that will lead us back to him. I am thankful for the struggles and the hardships that we have had that have brought us closer to God.  I understand Him better than I did when I was a little girl praying for Him to come hold me. The gospel of God is independent of any church or organization.  We can all come to Him and seek His face.  He loves us, He wants us to come to Him.  So many times we put our spiritual dependence on our family, our church, our friends, or our spouses, that we do not seek to have that relationship for ourselves.  I know, because this is what I did.  I never fit in to the church that I grew up in.  Medallions and awards for accomplishing good things were never my motivation.  If I did something spiritually it would be because I wanted to for God.  If you do anything for self gratification, you are not doing it for the right reasons.   People are good.  It doesn't matter their religion or their background.  We need to be willing to love each other and be there for one another. 
       
      This was a long post, and a small portion of my history.  Just to give some background.  I am far from perfect, and I doubt myself on a daily basis, but I cannot doubt what God has taught me through my weaknesses and my failures.  I must share my testimony.  Some will not like it, I am sorry.  Some will wonder how I got from point A to point B.  Others will know how much of a struggle I have gone through and be happy that I am finally standing in my truth.  I am not an angry, vindictive person.  I just want to share my heart, in the hopes that there will be others who need to open up and can feel safe doing so, knowing that I too will share my heart with them.  I will share more about my feelings as time goes by and  I have things I want to share.  I love you all, and may God bless you in your search for the Light of Truth.