Tuesday, March 29, 2016


       So, this post is going to be a bit more personal.  Well, all of my posts are personal, as they are all my testimony and what I believe.  This post comes many years in the making and I am sure there are many more years to go in order to understand what I am about to share.  I have struggled with anxiety and panic for a little over 8 years.  I know now that my anxiety has to do with the fact that I do not feel worthy of love.  I am afraid that others will see me and decide that I am not worth their time or effort.  I have even believed that I wasn't even worthy of God's love and acceptance.  I have had to forgive myself for many things, and I am still learning to forgive myself daily.  I have been reading a book, which I firmly think everyone should read.  It is called, "The Gifts of Imperfection". It is written by Brene Brown, who is a shame researcher.  In reading this book, I have seen how shame can be an extremely big motivator for many of us.  What I had to ask myself was, “Why is shame such a motivating tool?" During this time, I was dealing with my children's life experiences.  My daughter was told to write a note to me, telling me that if she did not turn in money to the school (which she had already done) that the other kids in the class would not be able to get their rewards.  This was not something that I would necessarily recognize as shaming, but because I was reading the book, I was able to see.  To belittle a child in front of the class and to make her feel as if it is their fault that nobody else is receiving something, is extremely shaming and damaging.  The teacher probably didn't know that that was what he was doing. For many parents, educators and employers, shame is the only way to get someone to do what you want them to do.  It is also a good motivator in many religions. My oldest daughter is in the Young Women’s program at church.  She came to me a while back and was struggling with going to church and even following the Young Women’s program.  So, for those of you who don’t know, the YW program consists of marking off a bunch of goals, in order to get, by the end of the program, a Womanhood of Recognition Award.  What I was told, when I was attending the Young Woman program was that if I completed the requirements and received my Womanhood of Recognition Award that I would be better able to be a good mom, wife and homemaker. My daughter came to me frustrated, because she didn’t want to be pushed into doing something, just to get an award.  She wanted to do it to grow her own testimony, but not because she wanted anything out of it.  I was surprised to hear what she had to say, as I hadn’t talked to her about my feelings about it at all.  I explained the expectations that this program placed on her and why.  I also gave her the choice to decide for herself, what she felt she needed to do. The Young Woman’s program of the LDS church, is just one example of a program that has the potential to cause shame.  The missionary program has the potential to be a shaming experience for many young men and later to the women. A cultural norm, not a commandment.  A young man who decides to not go on a mission, or cannot due to various reasons, gets completely shamed within the LDS community.  Young women tend to avoid dating men that have not gone on missions and leaders of the church are hesitant to call men who have not gone on missions to higher callings.  There are many other programs that I could add to this.  The Relief Society is a huge contributor to shame within the Mormon community.  Have you heard of Molly Mormon?  The do it all, self-sacrificing, woman who does not look to her needs, but always looks to the needs of others.  Her house is spotless, her children reverent and wholesome, and everyone eats organic.  She cooks meals for the needy and does her visiting teaching faithfully.  She is the picture of perfection.  How does someone feel when they cannot fulfill, what is supposed to be, the thing that brings them closer to Christ?  There is no way for us to meet everyone's expectations, and that is what reading about shame made me realize.  If there were no expectations, then we would not have to feel shamed when we don't do something just right.  What if all we did was follow the will of God?  We know that we will always be enough for Him and the things that He asks of us.  A thought to ponder. 

        I put expectations on myself, I have expectations placed on me from my husband, my kids, my parents, my siblings, my friends and all of society.  We cannot escape the expectations of others.  If we work for an employer we will have expectations.  If our children go to school, they will also have expectations, meaning we will have expectations placed on us.  We place expectations on ourselves all the time.  We need to be thinner, we need to be more patient, kinder, smarter, and faster, make more money, be more powerful, we need to spend more, and have more. Many of us feel that we won't be enough until we attain these things, therefore, waiting to experience full joy and peace until we attain them.  I recognized this in my own life.  I hope my husband doesn't mind me sharing, but we got into an argument. The truth is, due to my anxiety, I have a hard time driving to where I need to go. We live 30 min. from town and we have to drive over a mountain pass to get there.   I tend to not make plans, unless I know that my husband can take time off of work or it is after work hours and he can drive me.  He has been very patient in the process.  I have tried to make it as comfortable as possible, but sometimes it cannot be managed.  This time something came up that was important to me, but not necessarily important to him.  I felt rejected and alone.  I felt like what I needed wasn't valuable, therefore making me invaluable as well.  This isn't true, but this is the way I felt.  I knew that my husband wasn’t required to do this, but we had an “agreement”.  This was the way we would make things work.  Unfortunately, because of where we live and the lack of resources, he has been my only support and resource.  I have 7 children and when I make an appointment for 1, I have to take them all in.  He is usually my chauffer, my babysitter and the only adult I get to talk to in a day sometimes.  He has been extremely patient, but this particular week, we were both feeling the stress of the anxiety and panic.  He was feeling trapped by the anxiety and so was I.  Every time that I would get upset over this, the thought would come to me that it wasn’t his responsibility and if I just had more faith, then I could drive myself.  This was difficult for me.  I wanted someone to blame, but deep down inside, there was no one to blame except me.  I continued reading in the book during this time.  While it was extremely difficult, I came to the realization, that my husband wasn’t happy and I wasn’t happy.  He had felt trapped by my weakness, just like I did, but he didn’t need to.  There was a part of the book that talked about boundaries and how important it is to set boundaries, in order to become more compassionate.  Well, for a while now, I had not been feeling a lot of compassion from my husband for the struggle that I was going through, and why would he, he felt trapped by it.  I was starting to wake up. I was starting to see what the underlying factor was.  To top it all off, I had been struggling with living where we were.  I had been feeling like if we could just move, then I would drive more, I could take care of my responsibilities better and depend less on my husband, win-win. Unfortunately, God had different plans. It was just not working out to move.  I received a blessing from my husband and was told from God, that I needed to let the idea of moving go, that if we were to move, he would let us know.  He wanted me to live in the present and enjoy my time with my children.  The whole time I am saying to myself, like a little 3 year old, “But I don’t want to let it go.”  Not funny at the time, but a little silly now.  Afterwards, I felt the prompting from God, telling me that those who lose their lives for His sake, will find them.  For those of you who don’t know me, I am extremely lousy at farm life.  I am more of a city person.  I love people, I love being around people, I love theater, arts, singing, and dancing. Since living here for almost 3 years, I have told people this is my hell.  I feel like a failure every day of my life.  I can’t get this whole type of living down.  I also know that there would be many who would love to trade places with me.  I know, I am extremely blessed, but because of my weaknesses, this has literally been my perfect storm.  Needless to say, there were a lot of steps to my AHA! moment.  Many painful moments that left me feeling extremely vulnerable and alone.  I decided to lift all of my expectations from my husband. This was extremely painful for me, as I was picturing in my mind, someone who finally felt free, running off in the distance yelling Hallelujah!!!!  That would be what I would do if I could rid myself of what is trapping me.  Because he is literally my best friend and in many ways, the only one I can talk to about everything, I felt completely alone.  Would he still stay?  Would he still want to be with me, if I let go of all of my expectations that keep him sticking around?  Would he love me still?  Wow, what questions to ask.  It seems silly, but the feelings are real.  Then as I spoke to him about what I was going to do, I recognized some expectations that he had placed on me.  I realized, not only do I get to free him from the expectations, but I get to free myself of the expectations.  HALLELUJAH!!!!!  The next day I prayed to my Father in Heaven.  I usually write down my prayers, as this gives me more ability to concentrate on my prayers and write down the thoughts and feelings of inspiration that I have.  I was telling God, that I was letting go of expectations, that I was scared about where this would lead and that I needed His help to let me know where I was putting expectations.  I asked him if the pain was worth it.  He didn’t answer my question.  I started asking for forgiveness for being angry with Him and that I was thankful for everything He did for me.  Then a light bulb came on in my head.  What expectations was I putting on God?  I realized that I expected Him to provide everything I needed.  I expected Him to give me health.  I expected Him to sustain me from day to day with breath.  Oh my gosh! How silly of me.   Here was I, this puny human, thinking that I had some kind of right to receive what I had been receiving from Him.  I then told God that I took all expectations off of Him.  I would no longer expect Him to provide everything I needed, or give me breath from day to day.  This is an extremely scary place to be in.  This is the epitome of free agency.  I have given all of those in my life the agency to move and function in the way they need to, without my feelings of anger or resentment.  I have also given myself the freedom to say no, without feeling guilty or shamed for not being able to be everything for everyone.  Heavenly Father loves me just the way I am, with all of my weaknesses and sins.  I am enough for all of the tasks He has set before me. 

      So, now that I have removed, or am trying to remove all expectations from everyone in my life, what does my life look like?  Well, I just started, but I can already see the peace that can come into a home where the expectations are not there.  My husband is more desirous to talk, not because he has to, but because he wants to, and I can be more grateful for the time that he spends with me, because I know he doesn’t have to.  I have been moved from a place of being let down, to a place of gratitude for all that my Father does for me.  What do I hope it will look like, when I am done with this?  Well, I hope it looks like a woman walking in total harmony with the earth.  I told my husband that I could totally see myself becoming the next Buddha, being grateful for all of life, because all of life and what comes into my life will come as a blessing and not because I expected it to.  It looks like someone who recognizes that they are loved, because she can welcome everyone that comes into her circle as a gift. I recognize that even though I am not the type of mother that I so desired to be when I was a young woman, because of my weaknesses, that I can still enjoy being a mother to my sweet children. I am slowly letting go of the expectations that I have placed on myself.  I am excited to see where this goes.  I can see it in the distance.  The peace that I have been desiring is within reach.  I am grateful for what Father has been teaching me.  Is this how Zion will be built?  I don’t know, but it feels really good, to know that God doesn’t have any expectations on us either. The rain falls on the righteous and the wicked.  He gives us everything, no matter how good or bad we are.  He would love for all of us to return to Him, but it is not an expectation.  Let us move in a place of gratitude for all things that are in our life.  Maybe as we move from a place of expectation to a place of gratitude, we can see all of the blessings in our lives and the way God is moving us to receive all that He has.  May you all be abundantly blessed and thank you for reading. I know you don’t have to.  

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Apostasy of the LDS Church.

My heart is saddened today, by the things that I have been seeing lately, coming out of the LDS church.  I went to Salt Lake City, UT this past week, for a wedding.  My sister's wedding.  I was also there the week before for a seminar.  Both times, I was right in front of the Salt Lake Temple. Both times, I recognized and walked into the City Creek Center Mall and saw the housing that was built up right on the corner, across from the Salt Lake Temple. I pondered on these 2 buildings and wondered, what would cause the church to be okay with building such edifices, while there is so much struggle, going on around them. I saw many different men and women and children.  Some were wealthy and well off, others, were the destitute of the area.  The down trodden, the suffering and hurting.  One woman came up to us, as my husband and I were walking with our children, and told us that she needed a place for the night for her children and herself.  In another area, a woman was asking for money for a hotel room for herself, to be able to sleep.  Then there was another, who being cold, just put her head down in all her jackets and didn't even look up, but her sign, had butterflies and hearts on it.  As we walked to enter into the temple, our hearts had fallen.  We saw many other men and women, entering and leaving the temple, not even giving a second thought to these people. Ignoring their pleas and hurt.  We know what the church teaches the members.  "Don't give them money." Does President Monson ignore these pleas?  Do the Quorum of the Twelve, watching the pain and sadness ignore these pleas? This saddened us, so much.  There were tears in our eyes.  I was surprised to see the tears in my older children's eyes.  They wanted to help.  We walked to the ATM with our children, as we walked, a man asked for anything that might help.  My husband told him that we were walking to the ATM and on our way back, we would give him something.  He didn't believe us.  As we returned my husband pulled out some money and gave it to him.  He was very surprised that we came back and that we helped him.  As I thought about him and the various other women who were struggling and who saw us, I thought about how they must have seen us.  They probably see a lot of men and women walking around Temple Square, dressed in nice clothes, supposedly Christian.  My heart sank when this man, didn't believe us.  How many other people, dressed like us, coming out of the temple, just push past him and ignore him?  What kind of picture does that paint to him and others who struggle like him?  We walked past all the women we had seen and gave each of them something to help them on their way.  We don't have much, but because we had been blessed by loving and caring people, we wanted to pass that along. I walked through the mall several times, with a friend.  I thought to myself, "there is no way, that I could even shop in those stores."  Each and every single one was so richly decorated.  As I spoke with my husband, I said to him, that I felt more comfortable with the poor and wished even that I could have stayed and spoken with them.  I felt so uncomfortable, even in the temple.  I didn't fit in.  I thought about Christ and wondered, if he felt the same way too.  Did he feel more comfortable with the down trodden, the poor and the broken hearted?  We know that He spent a lot of time administering to the poor, healing the sick, raising the dead, comforting the lonely and the broken.  Do we do that?  Can we as a people say that we take upon ourselves the work of God, the work of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?  I am not saying that it is bad to be wealthy, but what are we doing with it?  Are we doing enough?  Are we doing what we can?  Do we live within our means, in order to help others?  I have seen such an example, and though  I don't have much, I can live better, so as to have more to help others.
 Mosiah 2:19 And behold also, if I, whom ye call your king, who has spent his days in your service, and yet has been in the service of God, do merit any thanks from you, O how you ought to thank your heavenly King!
 20 I say unto you, my brethren, that if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another— 21 I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.  
Mosiah 3: For behold, the time cometh, and is not far distant, that with power, the Lord Omnipotent who reigneth, who was, and is from all eternity to all eternity, shall come down from heaven among the children of men, and shall dwell in a tabernacle of clay, and shall go forth amongst men, working mighty miracles, such as healing the sick, raising the dead, causing the lame to walk, the blind to receive their sight, and the deaf to hear, and curing all manner of diseases. And he shall cast out devils, or the evil spirits which dwell in the hearts of the children of men. And lo, he shall suffer temptations, and pain of body,hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death; for behold, blood cometh from every pore, so great shall be his anguish for the wickedness and the abominations of his people.   8 And he shall be called Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and earth, the Creator of all things from the beginning; and his mother shall be called Mary.  
Mosiah 4: 11 And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel. 12 And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true. 13 And ye will not have a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably, and to render to every man according to that which is his due. 14 And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the evil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness. 15 But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another. 16 And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish. 17 Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just—18 But I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of God. 19 For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind? 20 And behold, even at this time, ye have been calling on his name, and begging for a remission of your sins. And has he suffered that ye have begged in vain? Nay; he has poured out his Spirit upon you, and has caused that your hearts should be filled with joy, and has caused that your mouths should be stopped that ye could not find utterance, so exceedingly great was your joy.  21 And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another.  22 And if ye judge the man who putteth up his petition to you for your substance that he perish not, and condemn him, how much more just will be your condemnation for withholding your substance, which doth not belong to you but to God, to whom also your life belongeth; and yet ye put up no petition, nor repent of the thing which thou hast done.  23 I say unto you, wo be unto that man, for his substance shall perish with him; and now, I say these things unto those who are rich as pertaining to the things of this world.  24 And again, I say unto the poor, ye who have not and yet have sufficient, that ye remain from day to day; I mean all you who deny the beggar, because ye have not; I would that ye say in your hearts that: I give not because I havenot, but if I had I would give.  25 And now, if ye say this in your hearts ye remain guiltless, otherwise ye are condemned; and your condemnation is just for ye covet that which ye have not received.  26 And now, for the sake of these things which I have spoken unto you—that is, for the sake of retaining a remission of your sins from day to day, that ye may walk guiltless before God—I would that ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants.  27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.
Let us awaken!!

 2 Nephi 12:O house of Jacob, come ye and let us walk in the light of the Lord; yea, come, for ye have all gone astray, every one to his wicked ways. Therefore, O Lord, thou hast forsaken thy people, the house of Jacob, because they be replenished from the east, and hearken unto soothsayers like the Philistines, and they please themselves in the children of strangers. Their land also is full of silver and gold, neither is there any end of their treasures; their land is also full of horses, neither is there any end of their chariots. Their land is also full of idols; they worship the work of their own hands, that which their own fingers have made. And the mean man boweth not down, and the great man humbleth himself not, therefore, forgive him not. 10 O ye wicked ones, enter into the rock, and hide thee in the dust, for the fear of the Lord and the glory of his majesty shall smite thee. 11 And it shall come to pass that the lofty looks of man shall be humbled, and the haughtiness of men shall be bowed down, and the Lord alone shall be exalted in that day. 12 For the day of the Lord of Hosts soon cometh upon all nations, yea, upon every one; yea, upon the proud and lofty, and upon every one who is lifted up, and he shall be brought low.
2 Nephi 19:16 For the leaders of this people cause them to err; and they that are led of them are destroyed.
The leaders are teaching against the doctrine of Christ.  They are teaching to ignore the beggar, under the pretense that it is better to teach a man to fish, than to give him a fish.  What about doing both?  What if we had spent the billion dollars to build City Creek Mall, could go to building a shelter, then in that shelter, you teach the people that come to help themselves, give them courage, offer counseling, help them get back on their feet?  We are so afraid to say that what these leaders are doing is wrong, because we are afraid that we might be wrong.  Ask!! Ask the Lord. What should you do?  What is right?  King Benjamin states that in order to retain a remission of our sins, we should help the poor, clothe and feed the beggar, but the leaders of the church are teaching against this.  Why?  Why are they teaching against the scriptures?  Why do they teach against the prophets of Old? If Christ, who is perfect, teaches while using quotes from the scriptures, then why are the Leaders of the church now, going against the scriptures to teach this principle?  If they can go against this teaching that is clearly in the scriptures, what else are they teaching that is not supported by scripture or previous revelation.  We know that the church changes with the changing winds of the times.  Is this why they teach to follow the prophet?  
 2 Nephi 28: Yea, and there shall be many which shall teach after this manner, false and vain and foolish doctrines, and shall be puffed up in their hearts, and shall seek deep to hide their counsels from the Lord; and their works shall be in the dark. 10 And the blood of the saints shall cry from the ground against them. 11 Yea, they have all gone out of the way; they have become corrupted. 12 Because of pride, and because of false teachers, and false doctrine, their churches have become corrupted, and their churches are lifted up; because of pride they are puffed up. 13 They rob the poor because of their fine sanctuaries; they rob the poor because of their fine clothing; and they persecute the meek and the poor in heart, because in their pride they are puffed up. 14 They wear stiff necks and high heads; yea, and because of pride, and wickedness, and abominations, and whoredoms, they have all gone astray save it be a few, who are the humble followers of Christ; nevertheless, they are led, that in many instances they do err because they are taught by the precepts of men.  15 O the wise, and the learned, and the rich, that are puffed up in the pride of their hearts, and all those who preach false doctrines, and all those who commit whoredoms, and pervert the right way of the Lord, wo, wo, wo be unto them, saith the Lord God Almighty, for they shall be thrust down to hell!  16 Wo unto them that turn aside the just for a thing of naught and revile against that which is good, and say that it is of no worth! For the day shall come that the Lord God will speedily visit the inhabitants of the earth; and in that day that they are fully ripe in iniquity they shall perish. 17 But behold, if the inhabitants of the earth shall repent of their wickedness and abominations they shall not be destroyed, saith the Lord of Hosts. 18 But behold, that great and abominable church, the whore of all the earth, must tumble to the earth, and great must be the fall thereof. 19 For the kingdom of the devil must shake, and they which belong to it must needs be stirred up unto repentance, or the devil will grasp them with his everlasting chains, and they be stirred up to anger, and perish;  20 For behold, at that day shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good. 21 And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell. (stay on the good ship Zion?)22 And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance. 23 Yea, they are grasped with death, and hell; and death, and hell, and the devil, and all that have been seized therewith must stand before the throne of God, and bejudged according to their works, from whence they must go into the place prepared for them, even a lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment. 24 Therefore, wo be unto him that is at ease in Zion! 25 Wo be unto him that crieth: All is well! 26 Yea, wo be unto him that hearkeneth unto the precepts of men, and denieth the power of God, and the gift of the Holy Ghost!  27 Yea, wo be unto him that saith: We have received, and we need no more! 28 And in fine, wo unto all those who tremble, and are angry because of the truth of God! For behold, he that is built upon the rock receiveth it with gladness; and he that is built upon a sandy foundation trembleth lest he shall fall. 29 Wo be unto him that shall say: We have received the word of God, and we need no more of the word of God, for we have enough! 30 For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have. 31 Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost. 32 Wo be unto the Gentiles, saith the Lord God of Hosts! For notwithstanding I shall lengthen out mine arm unto them from day to day, they will deny me; nevertheless, I will be merciful unto them, saith the Lord God, if they will repent and come unto me; for mine arm is lengthened out all the day long, saith the Lord God of Hosts.
3 Nephi 16:And because of the mercies of the Father unto the Gentiles, and also the judgments of the Father upon my people who are of the house of Israel, verily, verily, I say unto you, that after all this, and I have caused my people who are of the house of Israel to be smitten, and to be afflicted, and to be slain, and to be cast out from among them, and to become hated by them, and to become a hiss and a byword among them—10 And thus commandeth the Father that I should say unto you: At that day when the Gentiles shall sin against my gospel, and shall reject the fulness of my gospel, and shall be lifted up in the pride of their hearts above all nations, and above all the people of the whole earth, and shall be filled with all manner of lyings, and of deceits, and of mischiefs, and all manner of hypocrisy, and murders, and priestcrafts, and whoredoms, and of secret abominations; and if they shall do all those things, and shall reject the fulness of my gospel, behold, saith the Father, I will bring the fulness of my gospel from among them. 11 And then will I remember my covenant which I have made unto my people, O house of Israel, and I will bring my gospel unto them. 12 And I will show unto thee, O house of Israel, that the Gentiles shall not have power over you; but I will remember my covenant unto you, O house of Israel, and ye shall come unto the knowledge of the fulness of my gospel. 13 But if the Gentiles will repent and return unto me, saith the Father, behold they shall be numbered among my people, O house of Israel. 14 And I will not suffer my people, who are of the house of Israel, to go through among them, and tread them down, saith the Father. 15 But if they will not turn unto me, and hearken unto my voice, I will suffer them, yea, I will suffer my people, O house of Israel, that they shall go through among them, and shall tread them down, and they shall be as salt that hath lost its savor, which is thenceforth good for nothing but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of my people, O house of Israel. 16 Verily, verily, I say unto you, thus hath the Father commanded me—that I should give unto this people this land for their inheritance. 17 And then the words of the prophet Isaiah shall be fulfilled, which say: 18 Thy watchmen shall lift up the voice; with the voice together shall they sing, for they shall see eye to eye when the Lord shall bring again Zion. 19 Break forth into joy, sing together, ye waste places of Jerusalem; for the Lord hath comforted his people, he hath redeemed Jerusalem. 20 The Lord hath made bare his holy arm in the eyes of all the nations; and all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of God.

The church is in apostasy and has been since Brigham Young!  They have gone against the teachings of Jesus Christ. That is what it means to apostatize. I know that the things I say will be seen as apostate, but I am not leaving the teachings of Christ, by choosing to follow a leader. The teaching of plural wives, was wrong, while I understand it in one way, the way it was done, was an abomination before God.  Paying tithing to go into the temple, was never required. Denying saving ordinances to those who want them, is against the teachings of Christ, who said,"Deny them not!"  I know that what I say is truth.  I do not deny that which God has shown me.  I have seen the abominations of the church, I have seen the pain and atrocities that happen within the leadership and the pain of the faces of those who have suffered through these things.  I had a dream and an angel of the Lord came to me, and showed me these things.  I cannot, nor will I deny it.  If we do not wake up, If we cannot see for ourselves, we will lose and we will be in the same apostasy that the church is in.  We will all fall.  Become accountable to God for yourselves.  No one else will answer for you, when the time of judgement comes.  Monson, Bednar, Hinckley, or even Joseph Smith, will not be there to answer for where you chose to place your choices.  You must decide for yourself, but we do know that Joseph Smith was to restore the gospel as well as the priesthood.  He restored all things, we will be accountable for the teachings, which he restored to the earth, that we no longer follow, or adhere to. He was working to build Zion.  How much closer are we to doing that 171 years after his death?  I think we have just removed ourselves farther and farther from that.  In 4th Nephi, after Christ appears to the Nephites and the Lamanites, there is a time of peace, how did they create this peace? 

4 Nephi 1:1 And it came to pass that the thirty and fourth year passed away, and also the thirty and fifth, and behold the disciples of Jesus had formed a church of Christ in all the lands round about. And as many as did come unto them, and did truly repent of their sins, were baptized in the name of Jesus; and they did also receive the Holy Ghost. And it came to pass in the thirty and sixth year, the people were all converted unto the Lord, upon all the face of the land, both Nephites and Lamanites, and there were no contentions and disputations among them, and every man did deal justly one with another. And they had all things common among them; therefore there were not rich and poor, bond and free, but they were all made free, and partakers of the heavenly gift. And it came to pass that the thirty and seventh year passed away also, and there still continued to be peace in the land. And there were great and marvelous works wrought by the disciples of Jesus, insomuch that they did heal the sick, and raise the dead, and cause the lame to walk, and the blind to receive their sight, and the deaf to hear; and all manner of miracles did they work among the children of men; and in nothing did they work miracles save it were in the name of Jesus. And thus did the thirty and eighth year pass away, and also the thirty and ninth, and forty and first, and the forty and second, yea, even until forty and nine years had passed away, and also the fifty and first, and the fifty and second; yea, and even until fifty and nine years had passed away. And the Lord did prosper them exceedingly in the land; yea, insomuch that they did build cities again where there had been cities burned. Yea, even that great city Zarahemla did they cause to be built again. But there were many cities which had been sunk, and waters came up in the stead thereof; therefore these cities could not be renewed. 10 And now, behold, it came to pass that the people of Nephi did wax strong, and did multiply exceedingly fast, and became an exceedingly fair and delightsome people. 11 And they were married, and given in marriage, and were blessed according to the multitude of the promiseswhich the Lord had made unto them. 12 And they did not walk any more after theperformances and ordinances of the law of Moses; but they did walk after the commandments which they had received from their Lord and their God, continuing infasting and prayer, and in meeting together oft both to pray and to hear the word of the Lord. 13 And it came to pass that there was no contention among all the people, in all the land; but there were mighty miracles wrought among the disciples of Jesus. 14 And it came to pass that the seventy and first year passed away, and also the seventy and second year, yea, and in fine, till the seventy and ninth year had passed away; yea, even an hundred years had passed away, and the disciples of Jesus, whom he had chosen, had all gone to the paradise of God, save it were the three who should tarry; and there were other disciples ordained in their stead; and also many of that generation had passed away. 15 And it came to pass that there was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people. 16 And there were no envyings, nor strifes, nor tumults, nor whoredoms, nor lyings, nor murders, nor any manner of lasciviousness; and surely there could not be a happierpeople among all the people who had been created by the hand of God. 17 There were no robbers, nor murderers, neither were there Lamanites, nor any manner of -ites; but they were inone, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God. 18 And how blessed were they! For the Lord did bless them in all their doings; yea, even they were blessed and prospered until an hundred and ten years had passed away; and the first generation from Christ had passed away, and there was no contention in all the land.
I do not say these things of myself.  I have so much that I can do better, and I do not mean to boast, for it is God who sustains me from day to day and it is He who provides all things, but we must ask ourselves, have we felt to sing the song of redeeming love, and if so, can we feel so now? (Alma 5:26)