Yesterday, I did something that was so scary for me. I put a large part of my heart out there for people to see. I feel free!! Where am I going with this though? I have sought for truth wherever I could find it. More in the last 10 years than any other time. I think that as children, truth comes so easily and quickly, but we see as children.
1 Corinthians 13:9-13
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
There came a point where I realized that my belief system was based off of what I was told growing up and not a personal testimony of my own. I got to the point where I didn't just want to believe, I wanted to know. I had so many questions and my experiences did not line up with things that I had learned growing up. I wanted to know why. Why was I told not to talk to drunks, or give money to the poor, or that a person who sinned had to suffer immense pain and sorrow, when Christ did all of those things for me. In many ways, I am the drunk, the poor, and the sinner. I want Christ to come to me. I want to receive Him, like the leper did, I want to have the faith to touch His robe and be healed, I want to accept the sacrifice that He made for my soul and in humility repent and come to Him, not in guilt, shame, or sadness, but with love and gratitude, knowing that He loves me and has done so much for me. I was tired of believing that only a prophet could have these things. I knew that God was no respecter of persons, but why when I would bring up my own desires, would people tell me, it isn't possible. Christ doesn't come to people like us. People like us? We are God's creations, we are His masterpiece, but we are not worthy to see our Savior, who saw each of us as He suffered in Gethsemmene, who suffered and bore all our sins, all our infirmities and all because He loved/loves us? Yet we are not enough to seek His face? If Zion is the pure in heart and the pure in heart shall see God (Matthew 5:8) (D&C 97:21) and if according to my beliefs growing up, only the prophets who have been foreordained to such a privilege, are the only ones, then do I have any hope of being in Zion? Do I have any hope of receiving salvation? I cannot believe that God is so exclusive, and He isn't!
Acts 10:34 34 ¶Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons:
This tells me that I have as much right as anyone to receive all that the Father is willing to bestow upon me, and that I have the privilege, if I seek after Him to have the mysteries unfolded to me. Just like Adam, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and many others did. Nothing can be held back from me, if I trust in Him and seek Him always. I have been told that if I just follow a man who does talk and communicate God's will, that I will be just fine. Independent of whatever I receive, I must cast it aside, and do only what this man has said is right, especially if it goes against what I have received. There is a level to that, but when do you stop moving on someone else's knowledge and start moving in your own? My relationship with my Savior and my Father in heaven is my own. It will look different for every person that has one with Him. I cannot depend on someone else receiving revelation for me. I cannot depend on someone else to tell me where or what I should be doing with my life. A man who leads a church cannot and does not comprehend what I am dealing with on a personal level, therefore I must receive revelation directly from the source. I have made choices based off of what others think and feel, many times abandoning my own personal revelation, but I have also reaped that reward. I was no closer to my Savior, my faith had not increased and I continued to be co-dependent on others for understanding and knowledge. I am now choosing to stand in what I know to be true, for myself.
So where am I going with all of this? I am going to my Savior and Father in Heaven. I am seeking them with everything that I have. I am setting myself free from the box (paradigm) that I have grown up with. I am asking questions. I am getting answers. I am going to be one with my Savior and Father in heaven. That is where I am going with all of this. Into their presence. What if I don't come into their presence until I die? (some will ask) Well then, they will know that I did not falter in my desire to seek after them, and they will know the deep intense love that I have for them.